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Find Your Perfect Match

This is a crunch question, because if you don't fit the profile which your ideal lover is likely to be looking for (as defined by all your soul searching and research) then guess what? Your ideal lover isn't looking for you, and won't be interested even if they find you, or you find them. Damn! Finding your ideal lover is hard work!

OK, here's the good news. Like I said before, you're probably looking for compatibility on the essential attributes, so your ideal lover is probably going to be looking for someone similar to you, at least in the important things. Having said that, there are no guarantees in the affairs of the human heart, but at least the odds have improved.

Unfortunately there is a downside, which may initially work against you, unless you take action to reduce its effect. In the society we live in today (at least in the West) people who haven't been through this kind of exercise probably still look at the superficial attributes to start with. You might be their ideal lover (and they yours) on the important deeper level, but they don't notice you because they first look for someone on a superficial level.

So, what do you do? Well the next task is to take the list of attributes that your ideal lover is probably looking for (including those you might think are superficial) and cross check against your own actual attributes. There will be some that fit and others that don't. You must be honest here. It's likely that the important stuff fits reasonably well (because you've already done the 'compatibility check'), but you might be missing out on some of the superficial stuff, and you need to know what they are, because you have to 'dress your shop window' in a way which will attract your ideal lover. Once you've identified what's missing, it's time to have a long hard think about how you can change to more easily match the appropriate criteria.

The hardest things to change are of course beliefs and values. These are deeply ingrained from childhood, and it's thought that most people's character is set by the time they are just seven years old. It may be that the only way you can compensate for any gaps in this area is to seek out someone who is tolerant and can compromise (and to practice this yourself). However it is also true that since we learn behaviour (which leads to particular attributes or the lack of them) it's also possible to unlearn negative behaviour and relearn positive behaviour. For example if your sense of humour is sarcastic, in some areas of the world this might be accepted as normal (E.g. New Yoik.  In other areas of the world, people might see sarcastic humour as more vicious. If your vision of your ideal lover is someone who has a gentle sense of humour, would they take kindly to you blasting sarcastic comments (no matter how funny) at them? Probably not.

So what can you do? Well, a lot of behaviour, whether good or bad, is habitual. We learn a particular habit and if we practice it often enough it becomes second nature. By 'practice' I don't necessarily mean consciously working at it. Sometimes we start behaving in a particular way occasionally, and without consciously thinking, the behaviour becomes more pronounced until it is habitual and automatic.

It's also interesting to note that habits, whether good or bad, are usually set with about 45 days of 'practice'. This shows how quickly you can slip into bad habits, but also gives some hope for being able to break those habits. If you've ever seen one of those TV shows where people are being helped to improve their personal life in some way, the 'expert' always seems to spend about 6 weeks (42 days) coaching them, because it takes about that long to break negative habits and learn good ones.

Now those of you who have ever tried dieting or giving up smoking and so on, will realise that 45 days can seem like a very long time, especially if you are going it alone, with no help or encouragement.

So here's the tough part. You have a list of 'missing' attributes from your last task. Some of those attributes you can't do anything about. For example, if you’re 5ft 2 inches and think your ideal lover will like you to be 6ft tall, then that's tough, and you just have to practise with those high heels. However, can you identify any modifiable negative characteristics, which have their roots in habitual behaviour? Even things that affect your superficial characteristics could be the result of habitual behaviour. You need to be honest here. No good fooling yourself because if you need to make some changes, you need to first acknowledge you need to change.

For example, in the West, a growing proportion of the population is overweight. This may get in the way of you finding your ideal lover. Over eating (or under exercising) is almost always due to habitual behaviour. Yes, there are people who have genuine medical complaints to explain their excess weight, but people often make excuses when they don't want to admit the real reasons. My mother always used to say she was 'heavy boned' (in which case she could have been heavy, but should have looked slimmer - sorry Ma, can't fool me.
Now some of the attributes you identify in yourself for change may be relatively easy to tackle and some more difficult, so list them in the order easy to hard. Here comes another crunch question. Which of those negative attributes, rooted in habitual problems, are you willing to commit to making the necessary changes? This is a really important question, because if you are not willing to commit and do whatever is necessary to effect positive change, it might mean that you will never find your ideal lover, as currently defined, and that you will need to go back around the loop to redefine your ideal lover, taking into account all those negative aspects of yourself which you are not willing to modify......


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Updated November 2016


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