I haven’t seen you talk a whole lot about this online dating thing, and I’m just wondering what you feel is the best way to handle it if you decide to use the online personals.

For instance, when you scroll through the candidates and see something that you like, do you think it’s best to send her an e-mail with a subject line like “Hi” and nothing else? And then in the body of the message write, “Hi, how are you?” -- and nothing else? In other words, don’t put your name or ANYTHING else. Your principles suggest that women love mystery, and so maybe that sort of thing would work – what do you think?

Doc, do you think I should ask her to send me her most recent picture? Can I really tell how she looks from what’s on the website? Also, how do you feel about a personal ad that contains a lot of “bedroom” material? In other words when a female is using Womanese for “I’m fast and easy?”

Another question I have is, how long should you wait for her to get back to you? I ask this because the girl in question may only check the website you’re using once every two months or something like that.

Which leads me to my next question. If she responds, what should you do then? Should it be something simple like asking her to meet you at Starbucks or something more elaborate like dinner or a movie? (I figure if you get her to meet you at Starbucks, you can tell right off the bat whether you have any interest in seeing her again, right?)

Well, Doc, I know this is a lot of questions, but I hope you can give me some good guidance here. I’m sort of afraid to contact any one of the girls I’m interested in for fear of making a mistake. I’ve made enough of those with the opposite sex to be wary, believe me.

Thanks in advance for any tips.

Anthony - who’s clueless at the terminal

Hi Anthony,

Well, pal, you’re on to some half-good ideas, but you need a little more training before you take the playing field. By the time I’m through with you, you’ll be ready to handle anything you come up against in the world of cyber dating – and you’ll be hitting home runs.

To begin with, “Hi” is just a little too anemic, Anthony. There’s no selling of yourself involved. So you’re going to do something much craftier instead. When you spot a babe you like online, you’re going to drop her an e-mail with a “Hi,” and add a nice little note that says “I found your profile interesting.” Don’t forget – when Arthur Miller snagged Marilyn Monroe, it was because he told her he loved her for what was on the inside!

Of course, you’ve already seen her lovely face with its Angelina-Jolie bee-stung lips and Nicole-Kidman come-hither eyes, but you’re entirely too slick to fall for what every other dolt falls for. Instead, you’re going to pounce on her incredibly fascinating brains and personality, and the fact that she’s a chemist or corporate attorney or reference librarian. (Don’t laugh – you should see some reference librarians!)

And the best thing is, you’re not coming on too heavy when you tell her she’s “interesting.” To you Psych majors, you always have to tell a woman you love her for her mind – not because you can’t wait to ravish those fat, luscious lips. And she’s going to believe it -- for at least a little while.

So that’s all you need to do at first: “Hi. I find you interesting. Anthony.” (Okay, you can even go one step further: “I find your expertise in the latest computer technology captivating.”)

Another problem you have when you don’t say anything else but “Hi” is that you come dangerously close to being in what we call stalker territory. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “You’re giving the poor girl the creeps, dude! You ain’t getting any dates that way!”

So with that terse salutation you’ve gone a little too far. You have to move it back over to the center. To get anywhere, you have to at least come across as normal. Women hate two things: guys who beg and stalkers. We don’t want you being either one. Sure, women love mystery, but with the one-word approach you’ll end up on City Confidential or America’s Most Wanted.

Now let’s get something straight, Anthony. YOU ARE GOING TO SEE HER PICTURE. You’re not doing ANYTHING without first setting eyes on some likeness of her. Otherwise, you’re not dropping her one single, solitary line. You’re not going to contact anybody who doesn’t have a photo up on the website – period. Because it’s a waste of time, and you’re not going to waste time. The girls who don’t put up their picture are either psychos or FBI agents or Rosie O’Donnell’s ugly sister. And as long as it isn’t her high school cheerleading snapshot, you’ll be able to get some idea of what she really looks like.

Now, let’s move on to those females who post “bedroom” profiles. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “This honey’s odometer has more miles on it than a cross-country Mack truck!” You’re better off staying away from a number like that, even if she’s a dead ringer for Vanessa Williams. If you mess with one of those, Anthony, you’re in for nothing but TROUBLE.

Guy, if a girl only checks the website every couple of months, it shows she’s not serious about dating and you’re looking for somebody who is -- so she automatically disqualifies herself. On the other hand, we don’t care if she gets back to you in an hour or a year. As long as she does and she passes the “physical,” and she saw your picture and you guys are now conversing by keyboard, well then, you’re on way.

That’s when you ask for the home phone number. And it’s okay for her not to give it to you. I hope she doesn’t want to give it to you. I hope she doesn’t give it to you because then there’s a chance she’s a classy broad. If she gives her number out to every guy who sends her an e-mail, she’s desperate. And desperate means low self-esteem, and I want you to have a self-sufficient woman with healthy self-respect. So again “The System” protects you by eliminating the losers and whack-jobs. (Gee – I don’t know why Oprah won’t have me on her show!)

Fella, we don’t do dinners and movies. You’re going to suggest that you meet at Starbucks. We’re going to do 30 or 40 minutes there with our cafe lattes. Then, at the end of our little date, we’re going to ask her for the home phone number. And what we’re interested in at that point is HER Interest Level -- not yours.

Remember, guys: when you’re with her at Starbucks, keep it light and funny.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com - Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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