My father is estranged from my sister and me. When we were very young, he and my mother divorced. He did not pay child support or anything. Recently he came back into town and wants a relationship with us. He says he's changed. He says he is a Christian. He wants to get to know my sister and me better and be allowed to share in his grandchildren's lives.

As my sister and I are getting used to the idea of giving him a second chance, he admits to all of us he cheated on our mother repeatedly while they were married. He finally tells us he is presently involved with one of the women he had an affair with, and he hopes we'll get to know her and accept their relationship.

We told him this was too much for us to deal with. He thinks we're being selfish. Are my sister and I wrong for not being willing to accept this? - Paula


Paula, the most basic law of behavior is the law of consequences. If you don't study, you will fail the exam. In Christian terms, this law is expressed by "As you sow, so shall you reap." Your father is reaping what he sowed.

Justice means balancing the scales. Things should be fair. There is no fairness in what your biological father is asking. He wants to reap the benefits of having daughters and grandchildren when he was not there for you physically, emotionally, or financially. Justice does not require you to let him into your life or the lives of your children.

Perhaps you believe there is a higher requirement than justice. Forgiveness. Then by all means forgive, because forgiveness releases us from the pain and hurt which bind us. But nothing in the idea of forgiveness requires you to let someone who has injured you into your life so they can injure you again.

If forgiveness required that, you would never be permitted to escape people who do bad acts, and your life would be forfeited to them.

There is someone selfish here, and that someone is your biological father. He wants to use religion as a club to get his own way. The decision you and your sister made is just. It is in tune with the deepest law of behavior, the law of consequences. - Wayne & Tamara

Relationships - Help And Advice - Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. My father is estranged - forgive or not to forgive