Women Don’t Lie – Men Don't Listen
I’ve got a little situation here. I’ve been dating Parker for three months now and things having been going fine except for this one phone conversation the other night that threw me for a loop. It revolved around her ex- boyfriend, who she still sees on a regular basis. (They run a business together.) Anyway, she wanted to know if I felt comfortable with that situation. The conversation then somehow shifted to the topic of cheating. She asked me how I felt about it, and if I would ever take a girlfriend back if she cheated on me.
Well, I told her that I wouldn’t think twice about ditching that person since I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was a backstabber. Parker was very upset with this response. She then said that if I happened to cheat on her, she would take me back since she’s a forgiving person and that I should see the good in people like she does. I sensed some anger in her tone when she asked if I believe that people could change. I told her that I wouldn’t want to take on the task of changing anyone and that I’m not a therapist. This angered her further. She also said that things sometimes happen and that people make mistakes, especially under the influence of alcohol. Then I asked if she had done anything with her ex since we started dating, and her response was “Tonight?” (Meaning as opposed to all the other nights!) I thought this was very strange. Then I asked if she still has feelings for this guy and she said that there are no sparks between them, but that she still finds him very attractive.
Then Parker confessed that her ex had asked her to stay over at his place about a week ago but that he told her to take the bed and he’d sleep on the couch. To make the story a little more interesting, she added that he said he respects what she has with me and wouldn’t put her in a position where she would have to say no to him. And oh, that he’s a very “physical” person.
Then she told me that she didn’t sleep over at his house that night after all. I had a gut feeling that something happened between them and told her so. I requested some time to myself to think about all this and she began to cry, but she really didn’t put up much of a fight after I basically accused her of being a cheater. But she told me that I took everything the wrong way because she just wanted to know how I felt about cheating. She then told me to take as much time as I needed.
Doc, do you think I overreacted? Should I call Parker back? And the most important question of all – do you think she cheated? - Kenyon - who can’t figure out what she was trying to say.
First of all, WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TALKING TO THIS BABE ON THE PHONE? You should only talk to a woman face to face. This demonstrates to me that you’re way too loose with her and that you’re not abiding by my rules. So odds are you won’t keep Parker. And I also tell you in the Dating Dictionary to never talk about other guys with a woman. And Parker seems to be yakking about this ex of hers all the time! Instead of getting enmeshed when she brings up his name, your response should be “Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.” And then you change the subject.
But Parker and the other guy run a business together. So now here you are getting involved with someone who still sees her ex on a regular basis! Why is she maintaining a tie to him? Why didn’t she cut the business in half if it was truly over between them? Why didn’t she buy him out or vice-versa? These are the questions you have to ask, dude. You have to be like a forensic scientist at a crime scene. You have to be the equivalent of Sam Waterston on Law And Order (except that you’ll be a love cop on Love And Order). And you have to be very, very specific, and think about and dissect the evidence.
When Parker asked if you felt comfortable with her situation, she was trying to put you on the defensive. To you Psych majors, women are master intimidators. It was a no-win situation for you. If you say you’re comfortable with it, you’re lying straight through your teeth. If you say you’re not, then you’re also doing something wrong because now you’re being insecure. So it’s a very intimidating, aggressive question. (Nice girl, this Parker, right? She sure knows how to calm a guy’s fears about the competition! What a prize!) So what you should have said to her was “Why wouldn’t I be?” and knocked the ball right back into Serena’s teeth! Then you should have added, “Why do you ask? What did you have in mind?”
You tell her you don’t like backstabbers. You, Kenyon, and 99% of all the women in the world who don’t dig cheaters. So what do you have here, with Parker? She’s the 1% that thinks it’s perfectly okay to betray a guy! Then she has the gall to tell you to see the “good” in people and that you should take a cheater back!
That was the perfect opening for you. You should have come right back with “Hey -- you got a hot girlfriend I can start cheating with right now?” (And you should have asked the question face to face!) She wanted to know if you think people can change. Rightfully, you don’t want to be a crutch to this bird with a broken wing. But look, SHE’S TELLING YOU HER VALUE STRUCTURE. SHE’S TELLING YOU HOW SHE REALLY LOOKS AT THINGS. This is so important, man! Like the great genius Doctor Freud once said, “You’re really seeing the kind of cuckoo you’d be living with in the same cage for the rest of your life if you said those terrible words: ‘I do.’”
That remark about booze was particularly revealing. If I were you, pal, I’d want to make sure I counted Parker’s drinks on every date from now on in! And when she came back with that snotty question about whether she cheated “tonight,” you should have pinned her down on the facts. “Since you’ve ‘broken up’ with your ex, has he tried to kiss you? Did you try and push him away?” You should have made the whole thing black and white – you can’t ever give a woman wiggle room.
Ah, what a fine gentleman Parker’s ex is, not wanting to put her in the terribly uncomfortable position of having to say no to him. Of course not – he just wants her in his bed, that’s all! This guy really beats around the bush! You know what “he’s a physical person” means, don’t you? It means he’s all hands! When she said she didn’t sleep over that night after all, that translates as she left at 4 a.m.!
That said, I don’t think you overreacted to what she told you. I think you handled the situation decently, but next time you should be more specific in your accusations and questioning.
Should you call Parker back? What for? Are you two going to go and live on the psycho farm together and have little baby psychos? I don’t think so. This broad is off in la-la land! You won’t make it 40 years with this girl in a cabin in the snow up in Anchorage. Like Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It ain’t gonna fly!”
Do I think Parker cheated, Kenyon? Let me ask you this: Does Donald Trump have pretty hair?
Remember, guys: when you’ve got a nutcase on your hands, please move on.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com - Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?” -
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