Hey Doc,

I recently ran across your website and thought I would ask a simple question I hope you can answer.

I’m a 37-year-old guy who was introduced to a 25-year-old woman I’ll call Meryl. We began to date and hit if off quite nicely. When we started going out, I told her that I was 35 instead of my real age just to shave off a couple of years and bring our ages closer together. Big mistake. But she said at the time that she didn’t care about the age difference and we ended up dating for over a year.

Well, you can almost guess what happened. She found out my true age (from a health insurance form I was filling out and stupidly left on my kitchen table) and then immediately broke off our relationship. I found this completely bewildering, since I didn’t think anything of those two years. In fact, the breakup happened so fast that I didn’t have the chance to even state my case in the hope she would understand that I lied in order to date her.

What I don’t understand is that just one week prior to this disaster, we were making vacation plans and she was very excited about them. The following week – after finding out my true age – she tells me she isn’t happy anymore and wants out of the relationship. I was stunned! Can someone really change so quickly? Can someone swear that I was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and then break up a week later? I’m perplexed.

I am trying to move on, but I have to admit I’m still deeply disturbed by what happened with Meryl. I’d appreciate your insight into the situation.

Lewis - who can’t figure out how he blew it over something so small

Hi Lewis,

Jeez, if you weren’t such a fraud, I’d feel bad for you, dude. You went to all kinds of trouble for nothing. All you had to say when Meryl asked your age at the very beginning was, “One hundred and six. But when I’m around you, sweetheart, I feel all of 25!” And then you should have smiled at her suavely, just like Cary Grant, and let the whole issue drop into the no-fly zone. You would have saved yourself lots of anguish down the road.

Now think about it. This whole mess really should have been a non-issue. As Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you dig her and she digs you, a 12-year age difference ain’t so bad.” The reality is that uncounted relationships have survived an age gap that makes yours with Meryl seem like a mere bag of shells. Remember Charlie and Oona Chaplin? He was doddering into his mid-fifties and she hadn’t hit 20 when they got together. By all accounts the marriage was blissfully happy until he kicked the bucket. Or how about Warren Beatty and Annette Bening? Or to reverse things, Ashton and Demi? Or Mira and her new 22-year-old husband-to-be?

But this is the part I don’t like. Here Meryl knows that you’re 10 years older than her, and she’s still going out with you. What does that say about her Integrity? That makes her a bit of a liar herself when she busted you on your age difference later, right?

But you went ahead and left the evidence of your little white lie lying on the kitchen table anyway. As General Love says, “Never leave ammunition out

-- ever! Because you can bet it’s going to be used on you!” Her quick fade tells us that Meryl has a new boyfriend -- you just didn’t know it. She was just waiting for an excuse to get out and you gave it to her, pal. I always tell you guys that you have to be like detectives on Love and Order. This is grade-A evidence, my friend.

Nevertheless, there’s a bigger issue involved here. Over half the women I’ve interviewed in my career have said that what they DIDN’T want most of all in a man was a LIAR. What they’re looking for is TRUST. They want to bond with you, and for that they need someone who is TRUSTWORTHY. So when you tell a babe something, it has to match the facts.

And that’s basically why Meryl’s splitting now. Because when you told a lie, her Interest Level plummeted to somewhere between 40% to 49%. Like my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love puts it, “At that point a woman will stay with you, but she don’t dig you anymore!” She’s just waiting for the right turkey to happen along so she can deep-six you.

When you two were making vacation plans, Meryl’s Interest Level was 95%. Usually when guys screw up, it drops gradually -- to 93%, then 89%, then 76%, etc. But in your case, when you told a big, fat lie, you pushed it from 95% to 45% in a hurry, and you were out – out of love, that is.

So the answer to your question is sure, women can change quickly, and they do. If she has any values whatsoever and realizes that she’s going out with a fraud, she gets rid of him – fast!

Your problem, Lewis, is that you don’t understand the power of the English language. Women are looking for basic trust from the very beginning. And they’re going to match up every word with every action. Ask Hugh Grant to tell you about how that works! He told the gorgeous Ms. Hurley that he was “eating sushi” the night he got caught by the cops with his pants down!

To you Psych majors, if you can’t stand the heat, don’t stand on the Weber grill. This warning applies to anything personal about yourself. And that’s why I tell you guys to throw something back in her face like Jim Carrey would and make her laugh. Just don’t tell her your true age. Like I said, it should never been an issue to begin with. But unfortunately for you, you’ve got a big mouth – like most men.

Remember, guys: if you’re going to tell her a whopper, make sure she can never bust you on it.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

Copyright DocLove DotCom




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