Name That Tune
I have been married to a wonderfully grounded
woman for nine years, and we have two young children. The problem? My
mother-in-law lives from crisis to crisis. She claims to have a "plan,"
but it is always the wrong plan and my wife and I are constantly picking
up the pieces.
A one year experiment of her living with us turned into a stressful
five year stay. We are financially stable, but our oldest child is a
special needs child who is draining our financial resources at a healthy
clip. When our second child was born, we gave my mother-in-law an ultimatum,
and she moved into a house with a female roommate 15 minutes away.
The arrangement lasted two years before the roommate had enough and
booted her. She then traveled to California to stay with my wife's older
sister and her family. That arrangement didn't last six weeks. According
to our family in California, she showed more interest in her hair curlers
than in her grandchildren.
My wife's mother is well-educated and in good health. Her first love
is writing. She has been working on her "masterpiece" for 25 years,
and I am sure it will never be submitted to a publisher. She refuses
to pursue financially rewarding work, but she is a great talker. If
she were paid by the spoken word, she'd have more money than Bill Gates.
If my mother-in-law knows there's a safety net, she'll use it. My
wife knows this, too, but in the end she feels obligated to be her mother's
savior. I've given plenty of warning in the past by saying if preventable
"situation X" recurs, I will not be a party to it. Sure enough, situation
X repeats itself, and I'm asked at the last minute to drop everything
and provide a solution.
Just yesterday my mother-in-law enlisted our help moving again. She
didn't ask until the moving deadline was less than 48 hours away. I
want to support my wife, but I can no longer condone her mother's behavior.
The one blessing is that my marriage is on a solid foundation.
Nathan
Nathan, whether it's heaven and hell, karma and
rebirth, running a prison, or teaching a child, the one idea that runs
through all life is that behavior has consequences. When behavior doesn't
have consequences, disorder prevails.
As long as your mother-in-law doesn't bear the consequences of her
behavior, you and your wife will. The problem is this. Your wife feels
obligated to meet her mother's demands, whether those demands are legitimate
or not, and your mother-in-law is a master at pushing her daughter's
buttons.
In her book "Emotional Blackmail," Susan Forward writes, "Every time
we capitulate to emotional blackmail, we lose contact with our integrity,
the inner compass that helps us determine what our values and behavior
should be." This is why you feel you have had enough of your mother-in-law's
behavior.
Children learn by being given responsibility and suffering consequences
when they don't act responsibly. But your mother-in-law, a grandmother,
isn't learning anything. All these years she has been getting away with
it.
Your mother-in-law doesn't feel bad about the repercussions to you.
She is like a gambler gambling with someone else's money. She is like
the teenager whose parents bail her out of every situation. The fewer
the repercussions to her, the more destructive and thoughtless her actions
can be.
In the old television show "Name That Tune," contestants competed
to name a tune in the fewest number of notes. That is also the key to
understanding people who manipulate us. When we can name a manipulator's
tune from the first few notes, we can stop their controlling behavior
the instant it begins.
The book "Emotional Blackmail" teaches you the blackmailer's tunes.
It is the perfect antidote for people who feel they have lost themselves
in trying to please others.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield,
MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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