Conduct Unbecoming
My daughter, age 18, became involved with a young
man 18 months ago. He was charming, a gentleman, bought her flowers,
and showered her with love. He seemed mature, well-mannered, and respectful
of us as her parents.
He was very vocal to her father and me about the way he felt. He wanted
to marry her. Period. He almost talked her into going to a justice of
the peace before he left for the Navy, but she wouldn't do anything
behind our backs. She was deeply in love with him. She is a good and
responsible girl who is now in college. She is also quite beautiful.
He left for the Navy. She wrote him every day and flew to see him graduate
from boot camp. In the meantime he wrote to her father asking for her
hand. We were concerned about their age, but we trusted him. After graduation
she flew home, and he started acting weird, like a Mr. Hyde.
He drank heavily and avoided her calls. He was rude and accusatory
with her. My daughter found out the night he left for boot camp, he
cheated on her with another girl who was also on her way to the Navy.
The entire time at boot camp he was writing love letters to a third
girl. He wanted to marry her, too.
He bragged about these conquests. His friend said he would stare at
girls with a gaze that wasn't even normal. Come to find out he was in
trouble when he lived with his mother in another city. He was wild and
stole a car to attend raves in the middle of the night. He took drugs
like ecstasy.
His mother sent him to his father, a professional who is remarried to
a psychiatrist. Step-mom told us he has problems with character, integrity,
and truthfulness, and he needs years of therapy. After the deeds were
done, of course, my poor daughter was beyond grief. He bragged to her
about all the girls he had sex with, including a 14-year-old.
Well, daughter is now in college and doing well. She does not act depressed,
but she hasn't dated since they broke up. She really, really loved this
guy. He hurt us all, not just her. A true wolf in sheep's clothing.
This kind of betrayal is so foreign to her, and we also feel violated
because we believed this little creep and almost let him marry our daughter.
Dora
Dora, your entire family has been victimized by
"this little creep," and each contact from him is another sadistic abuse
of your daughter. He is not trying to win her back. He is victimizing
her again and again.
As a former naval officer and Vietnam veteran, I know his conduct reflects
poorly on the service. The military doesn't need any more black eyes.
I also know that as a member of the Navy, he is the property of the
U.S. government from his toenails to the top of his head. He can be
disciplined for getting a sunburn, wearing his hair wrong, or spitting
on deck.
First, I suggest you write his commanding officer detailing his conduct
with your daughter. Include any written correspondence from him to you.
Ask his commanding officer to demand that he break off all contact with
your daughter. Explain what this boy has been telling her, including
having sex with 14-year-olds.
Second, your daughter needs to take steps to prevent him from contacting
her. Time will help her get over this, but the healing won't start until
all contact stops.
Your daughter should not give up her values, but she must allow for
the realities of this world. There is an age-old conflict between what
is and what ought to be. The happiest people in this world pursue their
own values, while at the same time clearly seeing what others are capable
of.
Wayne
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can
be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Conduct Unbecoming - He wanted to marry her. She was
deeply in love with him.
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