My Life
My sister is 45 and having an affair with
an old boyfriend from her youth. She says she loves him, he loves
her, and they wish to pursue a life together. They are both married,
though he is separated. My sister has a wonderful husband who is
devoted to her even after discovering the affair.
Our families are close, and we are in shock at this heartbreaking
news. I believe my sister is going through a midlife crisis. Her
husband is still willing to save the marriage, but he is tired of
her obsession with this other man.
My sister has three children, the youngest in his late teens. She
quit college when she discovered she was pregnant and got married at
age 20. Her husband finished his education, while my sister worked
to support them. They were on the verge of financial security when
she met up with her old boyfriend.
One thing led to another. Now she and her husband will probably
divorce. When all this started, she saw a counselor. She said the
counselor commented her affair sounded like "a love story." I'm sure
my sister told this professional only what she wanted and left out
how she and her husband raised three wonderful children.
Our whole family is distraught. We cannot figure out what went
wrong. I am angry. We love our brother-in-law so much and are
concerned about him and the children. She says they are doing fine
and will get over it in a few years.
My sister mentioned recently she "had to get married." I believe
she is using that as a tool to rationalize what she has done. I feel
I am standing back and watching her make the worst mistake of her
life. How do I persuade my sister to seek professional help to guide
her through this life-changing decision?
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, why can't you accept that your sister
got married because she was pregnant? Why is that not the truth of
how she ended up married? How many women have slept with a man they
didn't love and wound up pregnant?
Your sister is finally owning up to the truth. She got married
because of a child. Now that the children are grown, she feels free
to leave the marriage. In her mind, having a child trapped her, and
the age of the children is now setting her free.
You love your brother-in-law. But the reality in your mind is not
the reality in your sister's mind. And counseling? Bah! Your sister
went to a counselor to get the answer she wanted to hear, and now
you want her to go to a counselor to get the answer you want to
hear.
People make up their mind to divorce or not to divorce from
within their own breast. Perhaps it was your parents' choice that
she married. You wish it to be your choice she doesn't divorce.
Perhaps she is finally making her own choice.
Will you still love your sister even though she makes decisions
you don't approve of? At what point in life do we get to make our
own decisions?
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964,
Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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