One-sided
I am divorced with two grown daughters in their
20s. Both my ex and I are remarried. He lives in a distant city. Both
daughters are married, and one has two boys and the other one boy. My
problem is the lack of interest my ex-husband shows in his daughters.
My youngest daughter is getting her master's degree and invited her
dad to come to her graduation. Also, she bought a new house two years
ago and has a little boy, neither of which he has seen. Her invitation
to the graduation was greeted with enthusiasm, and she really thought
he was coming. She also told the news to people at work and family members.
She's been buffing up the house and getting a guest room ready for
his stay. Well, lo and behold, he's not going to come. He gave some
lame excuse about tickets for something or other, and he couldn't give
them away so he has to use them. Sorry, he said, you know you come first,
but these tickets are hard to come by. Yada, yada, yada.
My daughter told me last night. I showed no sign of anger or disappointment,
nor did I rank on him. But I'm mad. She says no big deal, but I know
how hurt she is and it hurts me when my kids hurt. Both daughters are
so nice they would never confront him on any issue. I don't want to
butt in where I shouldn't, but when I see my kids hurt, I want to do
something.
Do I have the right to interfere and call or write my ex and tell him
exactly what he has done? Or do I keep my mouth shut, and let relationship
issues between father and daughters be dealt with by them?
Delia
Delia, you cannot make him be the man he isn't.
If that could be done, everyone could just write a letter or make a
phone call, and everything on the planet would be fixed. He is taking
advantage of your daughters because they are nice, but if they weren't
nice, would they be your daughters?
You've experienced who he is. A divorce didn't change him. Your daughters
are going to have to come to terms with this on their own. There are
children whose parents die when they are young. There are children who
are abused by their parents. There are children who are ignored by their
parents.
Each child deals with that individually. Perhaps 20 years from now he
may suddenly decide he needs a relationship with his daughters. And
they may accept, or reject, him based on their past dealings with him.
This is not a matter for you to get involved with. He is no longer your
husband. Your daughter is trying to "win" her dad, a man who rejects
her. She may always try to do that, and she may take for granted the
person who has been there by her side all along. Best to take a neutral
stance here and do nothing.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can
be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Relationship Advice
Daughters Fathers Relationship Ex Husbands Lack of Interest in Daughter
- The lack of interest my ex-husband shows in his daughters.
|
