The Cost Of Learning
I have no closure on a situation in which I
was used, and I regret it bitterly. Several months ago I ended a long-distance,
codependent relationship with a charming alcoholic.
He agreed, via the phone, to return personal items of mine. He also
stated he would repay me for long-distance calls he made from my home
while I was at work.
This is one of those things I need adult confirmation on. I respect
your column immensely. Your retorts are pithy and well put. Do I send
a second letter reminding him to return my things and repay me? Civil,
polite letter number one did not work.
Rebecca
Rebecca, let’s start from the most basic principle.
When you have a manipulative and untrustworthy person in your life,
the most important thing to do is get them out of your life and keep
them out of your life.
You are fortunate to be done with him. If there was a great deal
of money involved here-a home or a nice stock portfolio-this would be
worth pursuing. And you would want an attorney to act in your interest.
But since this involves only some long-distance calls and a few personal
items, let it go. It’s irritating and infuriating, but turning this
over in your mind, again and again, hurts you not him.
One type of letter we get repeatedly is the letter which seeks closure.
Usually a relationship ends with unraveled threads hanging in the air.
That’s the normal pattern. It is especially unrealistic to think that
a man who used you will act contrary to his pattern.
It doesn’t matter how you got involved with him-whether you pursued
him or he insinuated himself into your life. As long as you understand
this kind of relationship is one you won’t trap yourself in again, you
have learned everything there is to be learned here.
Rather than thinking about return and repayment, rid yourself of
any objects which connect you to him. Personally, we suggest the trash
can as a solution. But if “waste not, want not” was drilled into you
as a child, there’s always the Salvation Army.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached
at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to:
Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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